Why You Always Feel Like You’re ‘Too Much’ (And Not Enough): Healing the Root of People-Pleasing & Anxiety
Have you ever left a conversation replaying every word you said, wondering if you were too much - too emotional, too needy, too opinionated?
And yet, at the same time, carried a heavy shame-based feeling that you’re never enough - not good enough, not lovable enough, not worthy enough?
If this feels familiar, you might be stuck in a cycle of people-pleasing and perfectionism, driven by anxiety and shaped by relational trauma you’ve learned to minimize or dismiss.
As a therapist who specializes in helping anxious women unlearn these patterns, I want you to know:
You are not broken. You are not “too much.” You are worthy of taking up space! You’re just coping and surviving - and with support, healing is possible.
Why Do I Feel Like I’m “Too Much” and “Not Enough”?
It’s confusing and painful to feel like you’re always either overwhelming people - or letting them down.
This contradiction often stems from trauma-informed beliefs about self-worth including thoughts like:
“If I show my true emotions, I’ll scare people away.”
“If I don’t do everything perfectly, I’ll disappoint someone.”
“Asking for my needs is selfish.”
“Being my authentic self is a burden.”
“My worth is tied to what I provide for others.”
“If I set a boundary, I’ll lose the relationship.”
“Who I am at my core isn’t lovable - only what I do for people is.”
These beliefs don't come from nowhere - they’re internalized early in relationships where you learned your value depended on minimizing yourself and maximizing what you gave in order to stay safe, loved, or accepted.
You might notice that now:
Attending to your own needs feels selfish.
Expressing your emotions feels dangerous or "too much."
Taking up space feels like a risk instead of a right.
When these core beliefs live in your nervous system, it can feel almost impossible to trust yourself - or to feel fully safe just being yourself.
In therapy, you can begin to explore where these patterns originated, how they’re showing up now, and what your nervous system actually needs to feel safer, more grounded, and more connected - without having to shrink yourself anymore
What Your Nervous System Learned About Safety
When emotional expression wasn’t welcomed, understood, or mirrored in childhood, your body adapts!
Some of us learn to shrink (fawn).
Some of us learn to overachieve (fight).
Some of us disappear inside ourselves (freeze).
Some of us run from conflict (flight).
These aren’t personality flaws or anything wrong with you - they’re just survival adaptations.
Your body learned:
“If I’m easy, I’ll be loved.”
“If I don’t need anything, no one gets overwhelmed.”
“If I stay small, things stay calm.”
So adulthood becomes a battlefield of self-abandonment. Of suppressing your needs, wants and desires in hopes of not being “too much” for other people.
The magic of trauma therapy is helping your system learn that safety doesn’t come from shrinking; it comes from connection - including connection with yourself.
You’re Not Too Much - You’re Carrying Too Much
So many women I work with say things like,
➔ “I feel like I overwhelm people.”
➔ “I’m too much for everyone.”
But when we slow down, what we often discover is this:
It’s not that you’re too much.
It’s that you’ve been carrying too much - on your own - for far too long.
You’ve likely spent years being the emotional caretaker, the overachiever, the strong one, the helper - holding it all together while quietly crumbling inside.
You’ve learned how to anticipate everyone else’s needs.
You’ve learned how to be easy, flexible, self-sacrificing.
But no one taught you how to ask for help.
No one taught you that your feelings matter, too.
No one taught you that your limits are allowed to exist - and be honored.
When you’ve been carrying the emotional weight of everyone around you for so long, of course it feels heavy. Of course your system is tired.
It doesn’t mean you’re broken - it means you’ve been surviving the best way you knew how.
Why Am I a People Pleaser?
And when you’ve been carrying too much for too long, people-pleasing often becomes the only way you’ve ever known how to stay safe!
People-pleasing isn’t just about being “nice.” It’s a survival strategy.
If you grew up in a family where love felt conditional - or where you had to prioritize others’ emotions over your own - you likely learned that your safety depended on being agreeable, easy, and emotionally self-sufficient.
You may have been parentified, called “mature for your age,” or praised for being “so helpful.”
Now, as an adult, you might:
Over-apologize, even when you’ve done nothing wrong
Feel responsible for managing others’ emotions
Struggle to say no without guilt
Feel anxious if someone is upset with you
Avoid conflict at all costs
Say yes when you want to say no
Neglect your own needs to prioritize others
Pretend things are perfectly fine and struggle to ask for support
These patterns are common in those who experienced attachment wounds, emotional neglect, or chaotic caregiving environments. Your nervous system adapted to protect you - but that protection can become exhausting.
How High-Functioning Anxiety Fuels the ‘Too Much / Not Enough’ Cycle
For so many ambitious, thoughtful, hyper-responsible women, the fear of being “too much” is also tangled up with high-functioning anxiety.
It’s the kind of anxiety that doesn’t look anxious on the outside - it looks like being put-together, reliable, on top of everything.
But inside? Your nervous system is doing gymnastics.
Some signs you may relate to:
You’re exhausted from constantly monitoring how others perceive you
You worry you’re “overreacting,” so you numb your feelings with productivity
You rehearse conversations in your head so you don’t accidentally upset anyone
You feel responsible for keeping relationships calm, smooth, and conflict-free
You hold everything together publicly but collapse privately
High-functioning anxiety teaches you to perform strength while hiding your needs - which reinforces the belief that your authentic self is “too much.”
But the reality? Your system is overwhelmed, not dramatic! And you don’t have to keep white-knuckling your way through life.
How EMDR & Somatic Therapy Help You Feel ‘Enough’
Patterns like perfectionism, people-pleasing, and feeling “too much” don’t change through insight alone.
They live in the body, not just the mind. You can’t reframe these deeply held beliefs, you have to truly process them and shift them on the nervous system level.
That’s why EMDR and somatic work can be so powerful:
EMDR helps reprocess the memories and beliefs that taught you to shrink
Somatic therapy helps your nervous system feel safe expressing needs and emotions
You learn how to tolerate being seen, being supported, being human
You don’t have to think your way into healing - your body already knows the way.
You Deserve Support, Too!
If this blog resonated with you, know this:
These patterns were learned - and that means they can be unlearned.
Healing isn’t about becoming a “better” version of yourself. It’s about remembering who you were before survival or conditioning taught you to shrink.
In therapy, you don't have to manage anyone else's feelings.
You don’t have to earn your worth.
You get to be supported, nurtured, and seen - without having to perform, fix, or apologize.
I specialize in helping anxious women, people-pleasers, perfectionists, deep feelers, and survivors of relational trauma untangle these old patterns so they can start living with more clarity, confidence, and calm.
Together, we’ll work toward helping you:
Feel grounded in your self-worth (even when it feels messy)
Set boundaries without guilt or second-guessing
Trust your own needs, feelings, and intuition
Take up space without apology or fear
Rebuild a relationship with yourself that feels safe and strong
You deserve a life where you don't feel like you're "too much" or "not enough" - you deserve a life where you feel whole, exactly as you are.
If you're ready to stop walking on eggshells and start building a more authentic, empowered life, I'd be honored to support you!
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Hi! I'm Alyssa! I’m a trauma therapist that specializes in helping women heal from relational trauma, c-ptsd, anxiety, codependency, perfectionism, and people pleasing patterns. My approach blends holistic, somatic, nervous system care, attachment focused therapy, & EMDR.
✨ I provide online therapy to adults located in New York, New Jersey, Washington, DC, and Maryland.
📩 Email me at alyssakushnerlcsw@gmail.com or schedule a free 15-minute consultation to get started.
💬 Follow me on Instagram for more tips, tools, and inspiration around healing, self-trust, and mental health.
✨Not ready for therapy yet? Stay connected by subscribing to my free monthly newsletter, where I share mental health tips, a free nervous system workbook, journal prompts, and upcoming offerings to support your healing journey.
✨ I also run 2 support groups - Womens Relational Trauma, Anxiety, & Self-Trust Support Group and the Codependency, Anxiety, & Healthy Relationships Support Group
Disclaimer
This post is meant for educational purposes only and isn’t a substitute for diagnosis, assessment or treatment of mental conditions. If you need professional help, seek it out.
