8 Steps To Rebuild Self-Trust After Years Of People-Pleasing
How Self-Abandonment Erodes Your Inner Voice and What Actually Helps
If you’ve spent years people-pleasing or self-abandoning, you probably don’t trust yourself the way you want to.
You second-guess your decisions. You overthink your reactions. You say yes when you mean no, then feel frustrated with yourself after. And even when something feels off in your body, you talk yourself out of it.
I do want you to know - this is NOT because you’re weak, indecisive, or “bad at boundaries.”
People-pleasing and fawning are patters that often develop in relationships where your needs, emotions, or truth didn’t feel safe or welcome. Over time, constantly prioritizing others can quietly erode your sense of self. You stop knowing what you want. You stop listening to your gut. You stop trusting yourself.
As a therapist who works with high functioning adults who self abandon, minimize their own needs and intuition, and lose their sense of self-trust - I see this pattern all the time unfortunately. Healing people-pleasing isn’t just about learning to say no. It’s about rebuilding self-trust from the inside out.
That’s what this guide is about! So today, I want to walk you through not only how to begin overcoming people pleasing, but also how to start rebuilding self-trust, because that's a huge part of healing.
Here are 8 steps to help you begin:
1. Understand The Why & How
Before trying to change people-pleasing behaviors, it’s important to understand why they developed and how they show up in your life now.
Many people-pleasers learned early on that staying agreeable, accommodating, or emotionally attuned to others helped maintain safety, connection, or approval. You may have learned to fawn in response to conflict, unpredictability, or emotional withdrawal. Saying yes felt safer than disappointing someone. Staying quiet felt safer than being honest.
Over time, this pattern becomes automatic.
You might notice yourself:
feeling guilty or anxious when you say no
scanning others’ reactions to decide how you should feel
minimizing your needs or talking yourself out of them
second-guessing your instincts even when something feels off
This is where self-trust starts to erode. When you consistently override your internal signals in favor of external approval, your body learns that your feelings are not reliable or worth listening to.
Understanding this isn’t about blaming the past. It’s about recognizing that people-pleasing was once a protective strategy. When you can see the pattern clearly and compassionately, you create space to interrupt it. Awareness is what allows choice. And choice is where self-trust begins to rebuild.
2. Accept That People-Pleasing Isn’t The Same As Kindness
Many people-pleasers believe they’re being kind, easygoing, or selfless. And on the surface, it can look that way. But people-pleasing isn’t actually rooted in generosity. It’s rooted in fear.
Fear of disappointing someone.
Fear of conflict.
Fear of being seen as difficult, selfish, or “too much.”
When you consistently let others decide, soften your truth, or silence your needs to maintain harmony, you’re not practicing kindness. You’re practicing self-abandonment.
True kindness doesn’t require betraying yourself.
Healthy relationships aren’t built on false yeses, suppressed feelings, or opinions you don’t actually hold. When you hide what you feel to keep the peace, people don’t get to know the real you. And over time, you lose connection not just with others, but with yourself.
This is where self-trust starts to fracture. Each time you override your instincts to avoid discomfort, your body learns that honesty isn’t safe and that your needs come second.
Repairing after conflict builds trust. Avoiding it altogether keeps relationships surface-level and stuck. When you begin to separate kindness from self-betrayal, it becomes easier to loosen your grip on people-pleasing and choose yourself without all that guilt.
3. Intentionally Reconnect With Your Needs, Values, Desires, Hobbies, and Opinions
When you’ve been people-pleasing for a long time, you often lose touch with what actually matters to you. Not because it isn’t there, but because you learned to focus outward instead of inward.
Rebuilding self-trust doesn’t mean suddenly knowing all the answers. It means slowing down enough to notice what comes up when you stop defaulting to others.
This process often takes time! You may not feel clear right away. You may feel blank, unsure, or disconnected. If you don’t know who you are - no shame. That’s okay! It’s a sign that your system is relearning how to listen.
Start by gently exploring:
What hobbies or activities genuinely interest you
What brings you joy, pleasure, or a sense of ease
What emotional needs matter most to you right now
What opinions or preferences you hold, even if they differ from others
I often bring this work into therapy sessions with clients who feel disconnected from themselves or unsure of what they want. With support, these answers become easier to access over time.
This work takes patience though. It isn’t something you figure out in one journaling session or a single therapy appointment. But the more you practice tuning inward without judgment, the stronger your sense of self and self-trust becomes.
4. Schedule Regular Self-Care Days To Spend Time Alone
A huge part of rebuilding self-trust is learning to enjoy your own company, meet your own needs, and show yourself that you can take care of yourself.
For many people-pleasers, being alone can feel uncomfortable or even unsettling. Without someone else to focus on, old feelings, needs, or doubts can surface. That discomfort you feel is good though - it means you’re no longer avoiding yourself.
Try scheduling regular time alone, even just a few hours once a week, that’s truly for you! No obligations. No caretaking. No performing.
Over time, this teaches your nervous system that you are safe with yourself. That you can soothe, support, and prioritize your own well-being. This is self-trust in action.
5. Practice Sharing How You Really Feel
People-pleasers often say, “I’m fine!” when they’re anything but. It can feel scary to be real- to admit you’re stressed, sad, drained, or anxious. You might fear judgment, rejection, or being “too much.”
But healthy relationships require emotional honesty and intimacy. The next time someone asks how you’re doing, try sharing even a tiny bit more than you usually would. Let them in. Notice how it feels to be supported when you’re authentic, and remind yourself: you don’t have to be perfect to be loved. The more real and authentic, the more you aren’t hiding parts of yourself that crave to be seen. THAT is what builds up self-trust.
Start small and choose safe people. This isn’t oversharing or forcing vulnerability. It’s just practicing honesty where there is capacity for care.
6. Practice Saying No And Setting Small Boundaries
Struggling to say no and set boundaries is at the core of many people-pleasing patterns. Saying yes when you actually mean no builds resentment, drains your energy, and weakens your relationship with yourself.
Start small. Choose a low-stakes situation where you can say no or set a gentle boundary, and notice what comes up afterward. The real work isn’t just the boundary. It’s learning to stay with the discomfort that follows without abandoning yourself.
You might feel guilt, anxiety, or the urge to explain or justify yourself. That’s normal.
• Do not over-explain
• Do not apologize
• Let the discomfort rise and fall on its own
Each time you do this, you teach your nervous system that it’s safe to protect your energy and honor your limits.
If this feels overwhelming, working with a therapist on boundary-setting scripts or role-playing can be incredibly supportive.
Another important part of rebuilding self-trust is following through on small promises you make to yourself.
This might look like resting when you said you would, leaving a situation when your body feels done, or honoring a no even when guilt shows up. Every time you keep a small internal commitment, you reinforce the belief that you can rely on yourself.
Self-trust isn’t built through intensity, if anything its the opposite, it’s built through low stakes consistency.
7. Reframe Conflict And Accept That It’s Okay To Disappoint People
If you view disagreement or asserting your needs as “conflict” or confrontation, it makes sense that speaking up feels threatening. For many people-pleasers, conflict doesn’t just feel uncomfortable. It feels like a risk to connection.
Advocating for yourself isn’t a fight. It’s a form of self-respect and a necessary part of healthy, balanced relationships.
Not everyone will like every decision you make or every opinion you share. That’s normal and survivable.
Real trust grows when you learn that you can move through small conflicts and repairs without losing yourself or the relationship. You are allowed to disappoint people sometimes. They can handle it. And so can you!!
8. Practice Self-Compassion & Self-Validation
If you’re a recovering people-pleaser, chances are your inner critic is still loud at times. Even as you set boundaries or speak up more, you may notice a harsh voice telling you that you’re selfish, dramatic, or doing it wrong.
This is where self-compassion becomes essential. Not as a mindset or a one time thing, but as a long term practice.
When you notice critical or shaming self-talk, pause. Put a hand on your heart, take a breath, and gently interrupt the spiral. Instead of asking what’s wrong with you, ask yourself: Does this reaction make sense given what I’ve been through?
Self-compassion also means letting yourself have feelings without minimizing them, explaining them away, or rushing to fix them. You don’t need to calm down, be positive, or gain perspective right away. You need to learn how to stay with yourself while you feel.
Sadness, anger, guilt, grief, and fear are not problems to solve. They’re signals asking for care!
As you practice this, begin shifting your inner language toward kindness and validation. Talk to yourself the way you would to someone you love. Not by dismissing their pain, but by acknowledging it and offering support.
And when you slip back into old patterns, because you will sometimes, remind yourself: healing isn’t about being perfect. It’s about noticing sooner, responding with compassion, and choosing again. Every time you do that, you repair trust with yourself.
Now What?
If all of this feels overwhelming or hard to imagine, that’s okay. Undoing years of people-pleasing and abandoning yourself takes time, patience, and support. You don’t have to do this all at one - but you do have to keep coming back to yourself.
Start small. Choose one step from this list and practice it gently this week. Notice when you’re abandoning your needs, silencing your truth, or pushing past your limits. And when you catch it, respond with curiosity instead of criticism.
This isn’t about forcing change, it’s about learning to stay with yourself, even when things feel uncomfortable or messy.
If this blog resonated and you’re looking for support, working with a therapist who understands relational trauma, people-pleasing, and self-abandonment can make a meaningful difference :) If you resonated with this blog and believe I could support you, I’d be honored to help!
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Hi! I'm Alyssa! I’m a trauma therapist that specializes in helping women heal from relational trauma, c-ptsd, anxiety, codependency, perfectionism, and people pleasing patterns. My approach blends holistic, somatic, nervous system care, attachment focused therapy, & EMDR.
✨ I provide online therapy to adults located in New York, New Jersey, Washington, DC, and Maryland.
📩 Email me at alyssakushnerlcsw@gmail.com or schedule a free 15-minute consultation to get started.
💬 Follow me on Instagram for more tips, tools, and inspiration around healing, self-trust, and mental health.
✨Not ready for therapy yet? Stay connected by subscribing to my free monthly newsletter, to download a free mini nervous system workbook, journal prompts, mental health tips, and upcoming offerings to support your healing journey.
✨ I also run 3 support groups - Womens Relational Trauma, Anxiety, & Self-Trust Support Group, the Codependency, Anxiety, & Healthy Relationships Support Group, and a Therapist Support & Consultation Group.
Disclaimer
This post is meant for educational purposes only and isn’t a substitute for diagnosis, assessment or treatment of mental conditions. If you need professional help, seek it out.
